Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
