She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
