I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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