My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
