life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
