i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
