I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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