I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
