my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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