my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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