Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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