Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So many bounce houses so little time
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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