I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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