i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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