Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
