He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
