I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
