Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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