Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
