apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
