People in love make me want to vomit
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
