When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I wish I only lived at night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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