Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize