she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
