Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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