my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
