I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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