Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
