The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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