I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
