I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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