Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
