did you get engaged???
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
