Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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