Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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