She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
