from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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