I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
