You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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