Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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