Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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