the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
