So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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