she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
How's work?
Spinning.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
