I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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