Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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