im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
