Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
