Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Hippo gnu deer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
