If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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