someone get that fucking seahorse.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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