party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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