remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
