I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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