You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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