literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize