woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
