i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize