i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
