I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
